


Never Let Me Fall

by Anonymous



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Steve Rogers Has Issues, but he's not suicidal, hinted ptsd, steve is Not Okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2020-03-01 14:52:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18802558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: He knows what it looks like to Sam. Him sitting on an edge of a cliff and looking way too interested. “I do want to jump if that’s what you’re wondering. I don’t want to die if that’s what concerns you.”





	Never Let Me Fall

**Author's Note:**

> I suppose this doesn't have a specific time line, but I imagine it's somewhere after endgame where Steve stays. It could be post aou or cw though.  
> Anyway, I hope y'all enjoy this!!

Steve doesn't want to die. He really doesn't. But as he sits on the cliff, legs dangling dangerously over the edge, he wonders what’s it like to jump. What would it be like to fall, not a care in the world on his shoulders. He stares at the misty abyss over the edge, in a combination of longing and fascination that would have someone concerned. Really though, Steve doesn't want to die. He just wants to see what falling without a mission waiting for him at the end of his jump feels like.  

There are footsteps behind him, but they don’t get too close. Steve ignores it and continues to swing his legs back and forth.  

“Hey, man,” Sam’s rich voice drops over his shoulders like a warm blanket. “Do you want to step away from there and join me?” 

Steve’s tempted, he won’t lie. Sam’s presence has always been something of a comfort. He shrugs though. “Maybe. But this place is good as any to sit.”  

He knows what it looks like to Sam. Him sitting on an edge of a cliff and looking way too interested. “I do want to jump if that’s what you’re wondering. I don’t want to die if that’s what concerns you.” 

“Do you think you’ll survive the fall?”  

 _Won’t you catch me?_  He wants to say, but that’s too heavy of a burden to put on Sam. Sam, who has done nothing but catch him from falling to his death, falling too far in his head, falling too deep into emotions. Sam would probably catch him here too, but it would be too soon. He wants to feels weightless for a while.  

“I don’t know,” he answers eventually. “If I break my neck, won’t the serum heal it? If I break my spine, won’t the serum fix it?”  

“Won’t do a thing if you’re already dead.”  

“But it did.” Steve feels Sam move closer. “I drowned at the Valkyrie, and then my body froze. I should have died there, Sam. Yet here I am. Alive.”  

“Yet here you are.” Sam agrees. “Don’t you think that means something?” 

“I don’t know. Should it?”  

There’s no answer, no footsteps. Only his and Sam’s soft breathing and the passing wind. Kind of morbid, now that Steve thinks about it.  

“What would happen if I jump?” he doesn't lean closer. It’s not a threat, it’s a real question.  

“If you die you mean? Well, you’ll be dead.” Steve almost snorts. Almost. 

“Steve,” Sam sighs. Steve knows this sigh. “Why are you doing this?” 

“Feels heavy.”  

“What does?”  

“Nothing. Everything. Me.”  

It’s unnatural, the heaviness he feels. Dragging himself out of bed is more of a challenge than most things these days. His eyes are always heavy, with the lack of sleep, with the abundance of nightmares. His fingers are heavy too, and he can’t pick a pencil with them, no matter how he tries. Not that he finds any inspiration to draw, but it hurts that he can’t do it all the same.  

“And jumping will fix that?”  

Steve shrugs. “It will make me feel lighter. You know that feeling, Sam. You’ve jumped enough times to know.”  

“I jump because I have to, and I have wings to bounce right back up. You don’t have either these things.” Sam says with that patience of his. Steve is, as always, impressed by this. 

“That’s the thing. I don’t have to, I want to. Jumping now, there’s no expectations down there, no need to bounce right back, no mission to complete. It’s... freeing, Sam. I don’t remember the last time I had the kind of choice or freedom.” 

Sam stills after that. Even his breathing seems to stop, and Steve only hears his own.  

“And...” Sam’s voice shakes as he speaks. “If you jump and I catch you. What would you do?”  

“Don’t you always? You’ve been the greatest friend I could have asked for, even if I wasn’t that to you. I don’t want you to take this burden.”  

“That’s not up for you to decide, it’s up to me. You’ve been a goddamn great friend. And it’s my choice to catch you.”  

Steve stands up and finally turns to look at Sam. There are dry tear tracks on his cheeks, yet the determination blazing in his eyes doesn’t budge. Steve smiles. It feels realer than any smile he made an effort to do in a long time. Sam smiles back, pearly teeth shining.  

“Meet you down there?”  

“You know it, man.” 

It is as if an invisible mountain is removed off his chest. Steve smiles and breathes so deeply, it almost makes him dizzy. It's the same feeling he got right after the serum, after his poor lungs were no more and was able to breath properly for the first time. He spreads his arms out, and lets himself fall backwards.  

Steve keeps his eyes wide open. The sky is clear, stars watching him as he falls. The rush of air, adrenaline pumped high, and Steve is laughing. He worries not about angling his body right, or when Sam will come to catch him. He’s sure he’s going down, but it feels more like flying. Everything is breathtakingly close, yet so far away and it’s the most beautiful thing Steve ever experienced.  

He’s free. He hasn’t been able to say this for so long, but he’s  _free_  and his laughter is replaced with tears. No titles weighing him down, no worries, no nothing. It’s Steve and the stars and the beautiful view and nothing else in the world. 

The fall is cut short when Sam swoops in and catches Steve. Steve clings to the arms around him, feeling a different kind of rush as they fly upwards.  

It’s all over soon. Sam pushes them on the same edge they’ve been standing on. The wings retreat back, and there’s Sam and Steve, still clinging. They’re both gasping, neither knowing if it’s from the rush or tears, but they don’t say a word. Steve sits down and drags Sam with him, in a grace they perfected long ago, collapsing over each other in exhaustion too many times.  

“You had me worried for a bit.” Sam confesses when his breathing returns to normal.  

“You thought I was gonna kill myself?”  

“No. But the fact that you were in a bad enough place to admit these things is concerning.”  

That silences Steve. He knows he isn't exactly the best at sharing. “Sorry. Feels better now.”  

“Nothing to apologise for.” Sam pats his shoulder. “I'm sorry to say though, this better feeling isn't gonna last. It’s a temporary relief.” 

Steve sighs. “I know, unfortunately.” 

“So you'll seek help, or go jumping off things?”  

“I think...” Steve burrows into Sam’s embrace. “I want to be better. This has been going for too long. It’s time I got off my high horse and got help.”  

“And you know I can’t be the one you get help from?” there’s a playful undertone in that. 

“Wouldn’t think about it. You’re my friend, not my therapist. Though, you’ll have to find me a decent one cause I sure can’t.”  

Sam’s laugh is another layer of comfort over Steve’s shoulders.  

“I’ve got you, man. You’ll get the best.” 

“Never doubted it with you.”  

**Author's Note:**

> don't forget to leave kudos and comments and tell me what you think!!


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